No Arabian Nights Here
by SpiffyLucylu
Summary: What happens when too many people tell too many lies? A genie comes and straightens them out of course! Always a Babe, set along the same line as Spffytgm's A Chambersburg Fairytale.


**It's time for another Facebook Challenge collaborative effort. This challenge comes from Melanie on the Babe and Plum Family Challenges board. The line we used from the prompt is in bold, but the entire prompt was, "Everyone only gets to lie three times in their life, so people only do so when they must. This is the story of how someone lied three times in one day." We had to change it a little, but we kept it in the same spirit.**

 **All the characters in here belong to Janet Evanovich. The mistakes are ours. Let us know what you think, we'd love to hear from you!**

 **Once upon a time,** a woman was walking her dog somewhere in Kansas (because that's where all the best fiction starts) when she came across an oil lamp lying on the side of the road. It was a beautiful lamp, and would fit nicely with her furniture at home, so she decided to pick it up. When she brushed the dirt off the side of the lamp, there was a blinding flash of light. When she opened her eyes, she saw a mountain of a man standing before her. He spoke in a rich baritone, "I am the genie of the lamp. I am here to grant you three wishes."

The woman stopped and thought about it, for she was a wise woman. Most people get so excited by thoughts of fame and riches that they forget that there is a terrible price to pay for it. She finally said, "I only have one wish, then you can take your lamp and stuff it. I wish that Stephanie Plum could finally see for herself what a bunch of **lying pigs** some of her closest friends and family are. Maybe that way we could end this stupid love triangle once and for all!"

The genie nodded and there was once more a flash of light. When the woman opened her eyes again, both the genie and the lamp were gone. The woman picked up her dog's leash and walked slowly home.

At that same time, there was a blinding flash of light in front of the state capitol building in Trenton, NJ. The genie appeared in front of the grand entrance to the building. At the same time, all televisions turned themselves on to an image of the man, and all radio stations, cell phones, and computers tuned themselves to the sound of his voice.

When he spoke, his voice reverberated through the streets so that everyone could hear him. "People of Trenton. You have been found guilty of duplicity. An example must be made in order for you to see the error of your ways. Beginning tomorrow, each citizen will **only be able to tell three lies in their life**. The first person to tell a fourth lie will be punished severely." At the end of his speech, there was another flash of light, and the genie vanished.

The next morning, the citizens of Trenton all awoke to a shocking surprise. Each person had a large green number three in the middle of their foreheads. People were rendered temporarily speechless as they came to grips with the implications, but it didn't last long.

Frank and Helen Plum were in their kitchen eating breakfast. Actually, Frank was shoveling his oatmeal in as fast as he could, while Helen rambled on. "I think I'll invite Stephanie over for dinner tonight. Won't it be nice to see your youngest daughter, Frank?" Frank mumbled a reply and Helen kept going, "I wonder if she and Joseph are back together? He would make a wonderful son in law, he's always treated her so well."

Frank's spoon scraped the bottom of his bowl, and he looked up. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Helen replied shrilly, "Don't take that tone of voice with me. Honestly, Frank, I don't know what you're talking about!"

Frank waved at the number on his own forehead. "Your thing. It changed colors and turned into a two. Did you just lie to me?"

Helen's instinctive response was to say "Of course not", but without a word, she ran upstairs to look for herself in the bathroom mirror. Sure enough, the three on her head had turned yellow and changed into the number two. Helen realized that she was going to have to be a little more careful from then on. She walked back downstairs to see her husband off for the day. After he left, she picked up the phone. "Hello, Stephanie? This is your mother calling. I expect you at dinner at 6:00 tonight so that you can explain yourself." She hung up the phone, confident that she had spoken honestly, even if she didn't volunteer the entire story. Just to be safe though, she ran back upstairs and checked her forehead.

Over at the bonds office, Connie and Lula were having a subdued day, both of them trying their best not to lie. When Stephanie walked through the door, they were glad for the distraction. Lula looked up from the magazine she was reading and reached into the box Steph handed her. "Girl, this entire city has gone crazy. Do you know how hard it is on short notice to accessorize your outfit to this here giant green three?"

Stephanie sat next to her on the couch. "I try not to think about it, after all, doesn't everyone have one?"

Lula shook her head. "Nuh-uh. It's already all over the news that some people done lied already. Turns out that the big green three turns into a big yellow two when you tell a lie. People are afraid to find out what happens next."

Connie blew on her nails. "So, now that you can't lie, we want to know. Ranger or Morelli?"

Stephanie tried to look innocent. "For what?"

Lula closed her magazine. "For anything! We want details, girl. Which one's bigger? Which one's better? Which one do you love?"

Stephanie closed her eyes. "I've never given you details before, and I'm not going to start now."

Connie waived a hand in her direction. "Fine, if you won't tell us that, at least tell us who you love."

Stephanie ran a hand through her hair. "Do you really think I'd go through all this drama if I didn't love Ranger even more than I love Joe?"

Lula jumped up and raced for the filing cabinet while Connie pretended to be busy with her work. Stephanie had just enough time to register his presence behind her before Ranger put his hand on her shoulder and spoke, "Need to see you outside, Babe."

Stephanie met Ranger around the back of the office, where he treated her to a bone melting, panty ruining kiss. When they broke apart, Stephanie took a minute to remember how to breathe and asked, "What was that for?"

Ranger rested his forehead against hers. "Love you too, Babe." He tucked a curl behind her ear. "You and the cop still off?"

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Has anything changed?"

Ranger leaned down until his mouth was next to her ear. "Maybe I was waiting for you to admit that you love me, too."

Stephanie thought about it and realized that he was right. She had never said the words out loud. She grabbed his head and pulled his lips to hers. This time she treated him to an earth shattering kiss. When they broke apart this time, she told him, "I do, you know."

He treated her to a 1,000 megawatt grin. "Enough to come over tonight to discuss it?"

She looked him in the eyes and said the only thing she could, "After dinner at my mother's tonight, I'm all yours."

Stephanie walked back into the office in a daze. As soon as the door opened, Lula's head popped up over the filing cabinets. She looked at the number three on Stephanie's head and said, "Damn! Let me put this last file away, then I want to hear all about it!" Lula bent back down and they heard a terrible rip.

Lula jumped back up and ran around the corner of the filing cabinets. She started turning around in circles, trying to see her own ass. Connie and Stephanie both slapped their hands over their eyes after Lula's first turn. The spandex of her mini skirt split all the way up to the waistband, and each woman fervently wished that they had not seen the whale tail of Lula's bright green thong traveling down into dark territory.

Finally, Stephanie shouted, "Lula, stop! We can see everything!"

Lula stopped, thankfully facing towards the girls. "Hunh. That's never happened before, I know that skirt was the right size. It must be defective."

Stephanie jumped up and put her hand over Lula's mouth, pointing at her forehead. Lula's eyes got as big as saucers and she raced towards the bathroom. The wail that came from the room was deafening. A tearful Lula emerged and said, "I gotta go home and change. Steph, when I come back, you want to go to the mall with me?" Stephanie nodded and followed Lula to her car, helping her friend maintain some of her dignity.

In yet another part of town, Officer Joseph Morelli was not having a good day. He sat in the corner booth of a rundown diner near Stark Street. He was done listening to the woman he was with, but he let her continue to drone on. "I damn sure never expected to get knocked up. Do you know what a pregnancy does to your body? It makes you fat, that's what it does."

Finally, Joe had had enough. "Look. You told me that you were on the pill. I don't see how that makes me responsible for this."

She threw her hands in the air. "I told you that I was on the pill, but that I was taking antibiotics. You're the one who told me not to worry, that you'd wear a condom. Don't you remember that?"

Joe did remember, but if a girl tells him she's on the pill, he sees no reason not to ride bareback. The only woman who always checked was Stephanie, anyway. "It's probably not even mine. Everybody knows your reputation. It's your word against mine that we even slept together. Come back after the brat is born, and maybe I'll take a paternity test.

The woman seated across from him threw her head back and laughed. "Joe, we don't need a paternity test. I just told you that I'm pregnant and you're the father. I bet I still have a big old green three on my forehead, don't I?" at Joe's nod, she continued, "Well, you just told me it's not yours, and your green three just turned into a yellow two." She handed him her compact mirror, so that he could see for himself. "All I need to do is find your mother, Joseph Morelli, and she can see the truth for herself." The woman grabbed her compact back from Joe and walked to the door. She opened it and turned back to say, "Oh, and one more thing? That rash isn't going to go away without a prescription."

As she closed the door behind her, she heard Joe yell, "Damn you, Joyce Barnhardt!"

Helen Plum really needed to hit the liquor store. After she came to terms with the fact that she wasn't awake for two hours before she lost her three, she needed a tipple. She was halfway to feeling better when she ran out of her best friend, Jack Daniels. Helen quickly dressed and got in the car. After a brief stop to stock up, she went to Giovinccini's to pick up some lunch meat. It was there that she ran into Angie Morelli. Angie took one look at Helen's two and shorted derisively. "Honestly, Helen, I expected your mother to be the first."

Some of the women around them stopped what they were doing and whipped out their cell phones. No one wanted to miss a second of the confrontation. Helen looked down her nose at Angie. "Really, Angie? Are you sure you have room to talk about mothers? My mother might be a free thinker, but you still live with your crazy-assed mother in law who ought to be in jail."

Angie sucked in a harsh breath. "Bella has never done anything that would get her thrown in jail, unlike some people I could name."

There was a stunned silence followed by Helen's laughter. "Oh, Angie. I think you need to have a talk with Bella," and tapped the two on her forehead. After Angie ran out, Helen turned to the women that were watching. "I'm the queen of the 'Burg, and don't you forget it."

After she left the deli, the women all burst out laughing. None of them wanted to be the one to tell the mighty Helen Plum that her yellow number two had just turned into an orange number one.

Stephanie and Lula walked into the Quakerbridge Mall and headed straight for the sale racks at Macy's. They both shopped until their credit cards started to melt. Once they had both selected outfits and shoes, they walked towards the ford court. As they passed by Victoria's Secret, Steph turned and said, "I need to stop in here. You want me to find you at the food court?" Lula nodded, and the ladies parted ways.

Lula ordered a double rack of ribs at Kill it and Grill it. She pushed her tray towards the register, and was shocked when the total came to $39.98. The cashier tried to explain to her that the rack of ribs only came as a full meal, which was $19.99, but Lula didn't want to hear it. She gave the cashier $30.00 and walked away with her tray. As she was licking the barbecue sauce from her fingers, she was approached by none other than Officer Morelli. She looked him up and down and said, "Damn, Officer Hottie, what's a fine man like yourself doing here this afternoon?"

Joe ran a hand through his hair. "The manager of the BBQ place called in a disturbance. I was nearby, so I took the call."

Lula looked at him again. "I bet you was at the motel over on Route 1. You probably heard 'disturbance at the mall' and figured that white girl was behind it. Well I got news for you. She's busy right now and as you can see from my empty plate, I only got one rack of ribs."

Joe pulled Lula to her feet. "You should be more careful. Not only did your two turn into a one, but I can see the second rack of ribs poking out of your purse."

Lula looked at the ribs which were indeed sticking out of her purse. "Hunh, I must have made a mistake. I guess I'll just mosey on down and pay them a little bit extra."

She was trying to slide away when Joe grabbed her wrist. "It's too late, Lula. You're under arrest for disturbing the peace and theft of goods or services. You have the right to remain silent."

Lula struggled to break free of his grasp. "You can't arrest me just because you want to see Stephanie. That's Police brutality or some shit like that."

Joe pulled his handcuffs from his belt. As he slapped the first one on her wrist he said, "I'm not doing this so that I can see Cupcake." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he clapped a hand over his forehead. He removed the handcuff and told her, "Just go. Give the restaurant their $10.00 and leave." Lula quickly did as he told her to.

The day continued on like that. Angie lost a second number when she told Emily Bieber that she lost her three because Helen Plum made her lie. Bella Morelli lost her three when she insisted that the 'eye' was real. Helen, Joe, and Lula each told their third lies at some point in the day and walked around with giant red zeros on their foreheads.

That evening, while Stephanie and Ranger were discussing the beginning of their someday, they were interrupted by a blinding flash of light. Ranger's TV turned itself on, and they both watched as the genie appeared with someone standing next to him. "Citizens of Trenton. In less than twenty four hours, we have found a person who is so untrustworthy that with their life on the line, they couldn't help but lie four times all in one day. Tell the entire city what your last lie was." There was some mumbling from the person next to him. "Speak up so that all may hear you!"

The person raised their head and yelled, "I said I don't need Stephanie Plum."

The camera zoomed back in on the genie. "You have been judged and found lacking. As your punishment, you will take my place in the lamp. No genie is allowed to lie. Perhaps in time you will learn your lesson." The person vanished in a puff of smoke. The genie continued, "Citizens of Trenton, if you have remained steadfast and honest throughout this day, by morning your numbers will vanish. Those of you who have lied, not only will you keep your numbers, but they will continue to keep count so that all will see what you are made of."  
There was another flash of light and the genie disappeared. Once the TV turned itself off, Ranger faced Stephanie and kissed the three on her forehead. As he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom he said, "I think I'm going to miss your number. It's a reminder of how we found our someday."

Stephanie smiled and peeled his shirt off of his chest. "Maybe I'll have it tattooed somewhere else."

Ranger growled and threw her on the bed. "Babe."

 **20 years later, Point Pleasant, NJ**

Fred walked along the beach, methodically waving his metal detector back and forth. When the machine signaled that he had found something, he dropped to his knees and began to dig in the sand. About six inches deep, he found a beautiful oil lamp that was slightly tarnished by its exposure to the elements. He rubbed the lamp to get rid of the sand and closed his eyes against the flash of light.

When he opened one eye, he saw the strangest thing. An oversized woman wearing harem pants much too small for her size and a hot pink spandex top stood before him with her high heels buried in the sand and a hand on her hip. "Well, what do you want?"

Fred was confused. "Do I know you?"

The woman rolled her eyes. "You're the one that rubbed the damn lamp, don't you know what happens when you rub the lamp?"

Fred's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You mean you're a genie?"

The woman crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't you be looking at me like that. I'll have you know that I kick ass as a genie. You should be thanking your lucky stars you got me instead of some other lame assed genie. And don't even tell me that you ain't never seen a big, beautiful woman such as myself being a genie, cause I know I'm the first damn genie you ran into. You think it's easy living in that bottle? Let me tell you. There ain't no donuts, there ain't no shopping malls, hell, there ain't even no little pissant men like you to keep a girl company, if you know what I mean. Now I got to give you three damn wishes just cause you happened to find my lamp. And don't even think about asking for more damn wishes. That ain't the way this shit works. So again I ask, WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Fred thought about it for a moment. "Actually, I only need one wish."

Genie Lula glared at him. "Well, I ain't got all day."

Fred closed his eyes again and said, "I wish I never found this stupid lamp."

From behind his eyelids, Fred saw a flash of light. When he opened his eyes again, he was alone on the beach. He looked around, but the lamp was gone. For a second, he wondered if he had imagined the whole thing, but there was a six inch hole in front of him, attesting to the truth. Fred carefully stood up, looked once again at the hole in the sand, threw his metal detector in the ocean, and walked slowly home.

The End.


End file.
